Aniela Bylinski discusses her journey to Humanism.
A parent’s work is never done, the saying goes. Photo: Marina del Castell.
As a new parent in 2009 my world opened up to a new way of life. I had a baby which was reliant on me for food and shelter, care and affection. After a few months of getting to know my baby and getting into a new routine which worked for both of us, well mainly her, I started to think about what I was going to tell her, what my truth was, and what her truth might one day be.
I made conscious decisions to be her sole carer for the first 12 months at least, and to support her emotionally and physically as much as I could, without taking away her independence. I also reflected on my own childhood and made decisions about which bits were good or bad, what I might use myself or not.
People around me were having their children christened and becoming part of a church or religious community, but that is not what I wanted for my children or my family. I would have liked to have been able to find a community which was consistent with my non-belief in god but unfortunately it did not exist, or so I thought.
I was asking myself questions about morality such as; if I don’t believe in god then how will I fit in with other families, how will my children be perceived? What will I teach my children about telling tales, being good and working hard, what difference will it make if they are bad, if god didn’t exist? If I don’t have my child christened what will that mean for her and her school place?
I decided that I did not want to be peer pressured into supporting a community which I did not agree with, just because it was the only one available. I had difficulty articulating my non-belief without offending people and decided to research other options which could be available to me.
I did know that I wanted my children to grow up to be open minded, critical thinkers, to question what they were told and not just accept things as a fact. I didn’t want to put any fear into them and didn’t think they had any sins which they needed to be cleansed of from birth. I knew I wanted them to be brought up to use logic and reason. But where was the community in the UK in 2009 which could provide this for me?
I looked around on the internet and found some fantastic books to read ‘Parenting Beyond Belief’ and ‘Raising Freethinkers’. These books were like a breath of fresh air, they explained how you can raise children with ethics and values confidently, without a god, they explain how you can talk to your children about death without a heaven, and they give good examples of how to tackle religious holidays. The list goes on; disciplining, sex education etc. There are loads of practical guides and exercises which you can use to teach your children how to wonder and ask questions. It also gives permission to say ‘I don’t know’ and gives you the opportunity to explore the world with your child. These books gave me the confidence to go out into the world of religion and say I’m not religious, my children may or may not be and that’s OK.
More importantly though the books lead me to Humanism and in particular the British Humanist Association. When I visited the website it reinforced what I already felt about living a life using logic and reason, to benefit the whole of humanity, I know now this was my truth.
The values which you wish to instill in your child should be values we all recognise and aspire to, religous or not. A person who only does good because they fear damnation is a person to be feared themselves. To act in a way you believe will benefit your fellow man and your planet, to use your free will to judge a situtation and act accordingly with kindness and compassion is the best we can all hope to be. Your child is lucky to have you as a mother, and I hope that they will one day be the person you hope them to be.
I was raised in a non-religious household and I enjoyed it quite a lot. It have me the chance to explore any religion I wanted, any idea I found suitable and any life style that peaked my interest. I went through a Pagan stage and my parents were very accepting. I no longer follow the views of Paganism and would now consider myself to be more of a Humanist. But to this day my parents still support me even if we don’t see eye to eye. My parents taught me to think about things critically and to never take things at face value. I believe the best way to parent is to let your children explore the things that interest them. Don’t be afraid to let them be independent thinkers while still helping them discover new ideas along the way.
we raised our son to be open minded about things , we are atheists, his Nana is Methodist, one of our best friends who offered childcare is Christian,. We would tell him what we thought and explain how it differed to what our friends /family believed and told him he was free to choose whatever path made the most sense to him based on the information he gathered from reading, school, relatives, friends etc. He is 16 and strong, happy, trustworthy, honest, reliable, caring, tolerent and does not believe in any god or gods. We are very proud
When I had my daughter 25 years ago I felt as you did but found much resistance and misunderstanding from family and friends when I didn’t want her christened. We battled on taught her morals and what we thought was right from wrong relevant to the modern world. Today she a scientist and teacher. Supports human rights. Fights against racism and injustice to women. A women I am so proud of. Oh and an atheist.
Continue with what feels right to you. Guide them, let them question and they will grow to believe in themselves and their own decisions. These are the people to form the modern world.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I wanted to write this to give other people the confidence to do the same and you have all proven that there is in fact a community of like minded people out there and people are not alone.
Thanks Aniela,
I was brought up in a very strict religious household and over the last few years have become atheist. My brother has had 2 children and I want to help him and his wife instill morals in them without using religion. I know the books you mentioned have been very useful to them.