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A humanist and his son’s fear of death

July 14, 2014 by Guest author

Julian Sheather shares a personal story of easing his son’s bedtime terrors about death and the afterlife.

When he was eight, or thereabouts, my eldest son developed an intense fear of death. Without warning – at bedtime or waking in the quiet hours of the night – he would cry out in terror: ‘Daddy…I’ve got that terrible feeling again.’ My wife and I, although in fairness a little more often my wife than I, would take it in turns to console him. We would lie alongside him on his bed under the eaves – it seemed to help if it was raining – and try gently, clumsily, to soothe him. At times, seized with fear and disbelief, he would list all the people he loved – his grandparents, my wife and I, his friends, his younger brother (usually) – and almost physically wrestle with the knowledge that they were all, at some point, going to die.

Fear of death is infectious. Like most of us I suppose I have succeeded, most of the time, in pushing it to the margins of my mind. We may vaguely have heard that all philosophy is a preparation for death, but then not many of us are philosophers. Among healthy adults talk of death has a morbid, almost lavatorial quality: you tend to keep it to yourself. But ripped from sleep to confront a young boy’s – your own boy’s – appalled struggle with mortality, to hear him in the night confront so unprepared the basic terms of life, is a sobering experience. It rather throws you back on yourself.

During those long nights, the question of religious belief, of some possibility of an afterlife, inevitably came up. And I admit I struggled. There is a great deal of cheap, pre-fabricated criticism of religion knocking about at the moment. (There’s also a deal of cheap, pre-fabricated religion, but that’s another story.) If we are going to criticise any system of thought or belief then I figure we are obliged to take it in its best dress, at its richest and most serious. And fair to say that at its best religion addresses itself with great attentiveness to common human fears. Consider some of the great spiritual autobiographies: fear of death played its part in Tolstoy’s conversion; in Grace Abounding fear certainly had a heavy hand on John Bunyan’s tiller. So although there is a great deal more to religion than the weaving of tales to still our terrors, there is no doubt that for millennia religions have also spoken to our fear of death and helped structure a response to it.

I am not very good when I am tired. I remember saying to my son during one of his crises, casting around for something, anything that might help still his grief, that there were those (oh weaselling words) who believed in an after-life – words to the familiar effect that for some death is a horizon not a terminus. ‘But you don’t believe that, do you, Dad?’ he shot back.

I am not in the habit of lying to my sons, and I didn’t then. This is partly because, on the whole, I’d rather tell the truth. But also because lying would be pointless. They know me too well. My son’s response wasn’t a question, it was a statement. And so night after night we lay there together under the eaves until his anguish stilled itself and he fell asleep.

My son’s fear of death was with him on and off for several years. It took many forms. He would shield his eyes when we drove past cemeteries. He would suddenly call a halt to certain conversations. The TV would be switched off abruptly. He continued waking in the night cold with fear and my wife and I continued, clumsily, to console him. Somehow linked, he grew terrified of the severely disabled. He once bolted up the road when a disabled child was wheeled on a recumbent chair from our local surgery. Life was showing itself to him.

If I were writing this as fiction, this is not the ending I would choose. It is a little too pat. A friend gave me a book of philosophical puzzles. I can’t now remember why but my son was interested and I started to read them to him at bed time. He grew intrigued and I bought a version for children. And so we chatted about pigs that wanted to be eaten, and pills that made you win at everything, about rings that made you invisible and ships reassembled on the brilliant foreshore. And one night he looked up and said that his fear of death had gone: the puzzles had set flight to it.

It was one of those occasional, sun-lit moments you get as a parent when, groping around in the dark, you feel you’ve finally hit on something right. I am not quite so naïve as to believe that in philosophical paradox he had found a substitute for religion. Partly he was growing up. Looking back – this was a few years ago – it probably had a lot to do with the ordinary work of being a parent, the slow accumulation of all those nights, one slightly less-frightened human being consoling another. But I still like to think that in the face of some of life’s biggest fears, its most intransigent problems, he had found some of the breathing room that thought brings. And just recently he has told me he would like in the future to work with children – including the disabled.

 

 

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: afterlife, death, fear, parenting

Humanism and the hereafter

February 28, 2014 by Vir Narain

A humanist funeral ceremony.

A humanist funeral ceremony: family members and friends meet to celebrate the life of a deceased love one. 

It seems that primitive man, everywhere and in every culture, had an instinctive belief in some sort of existence after death.  For the primitive psyche perhaps there was no other way to come to terms with the dread and mystery of death.  As the traditional religions evolved, elaborate myths were created, claiming that every man had an immortal soul that survived his bodily death.  In a master-stroke (deliberate or otherwise) traditional religions linked the fate of this immortal soul with good behaviour in this life. Ordinary people, conditioned as they were from early childhood to adapt to regimes of earthly reward and punishment, readily accepted this vastly magnified scheme of reward and punishment that extended into eternity.  Morality, which really had its roots in human nature, became a prisoner of reward and punishment. ‘RAP morality’ (reward-and-punishment morality) is perhaps a good name for it.  RAP morality gave religion an iron grip on the lives of people. As Sam Harris says in his outstanding book, The End of Faith: “Without death, the influence of faith-based religion would be unthinkable.  Clearly, the fact of death is unbearable to us, and faith is little more than a shadow cast by our hope for a better life beyond the grave.”

              Unspeakable atrocities were committed by the medieval Christian church in the name of saving souls.  Russell tells us that “The Spaniards in Mexico and Peru used to baptize Indian infants and then immediately dash their brains out; by this means they secured  these infants went to heaven..” and goes on: “In countless ways the doctrine of personal immortality in its Christian form has had  disastrous effects upon morals…”  The horrors of the Inquisition are too gruesome to describe.  In our own time we have the phenomenon, in the Iran-Iraq war, of children being used for clearing minefields.  They, and their parents as well as the commanders who let them get blown up, evidently believed that ample rewards awaited these children in paradise. (It must, however, be mentioned that reliable firsthand accounts of the use of children in human wave attacks are rare.)  Suicide bombings are an everyday occurrence in Palestine, Iraq and Pakistan. So problems arising out of a belief in life after death are very contemporary and very real.  And the tragic growth of suicide bombings has given them a wholly unexpected twist.  How differently William Empson’s Ignorance of Death reads today!

“Heaven me, when a man is ready to die about something
Other than himself, and is in fact ready because of that,
Not because of himself, that is something clear about himself.
Otherwise I feel very blank upon this topic,
And think that though important, and proper for anyone to bring up,
It is one that most people should be prepared to be blank upon.”

            In most humanist statements, there does not seem to be a pointed reference to the issue of life after death.  This could be because the humanist rejection of the supernatural also entails the rejection of the idea of an immortal soul or life after death. However, the Memorandum of Association of the Indian Humanist Union (June 12, 1960) does state: “Though Humanism is not identified with any views about the factual question of life after death, it does not accept the goal of salvation. It is content to fix its attention on this life and this world.  It is concerned with the preservation and furtherance of moral values in all relations and spheres of life, and with the building up of a better and happier human community.”  Narsingh Narain has elaborated this further:  “…There is no need for us, as Humanists, to consider the evidence for and against human survival.  For whether we survive or not makes no difference to our practical ideals.  Moreover, the craving for a future life is unhealthy, if only for the simple reason that our wishes can make no difference to whatever the fact may happen to be.  Belief in a future life was not based on evidence.  It was an expression of faith arising out of a certain mental background.  The important thing is to outgrow that mental outlook, not to disprove survival, or to rule out faith altogether.”

            The problem is that, while this position will be seen by humanists  as being eminently  logical and pragmatic, it will do nothing to induce the ordinary believer in traditional religions (to whom life after death is a fact) to re-examine his world-view.  The Humanist Movement came into being to provide an alternative to traditional religions, and its main task is to address the major factors which have given traditional religions such a grip on their adherents.  Of these, the two most powerful factors are:  belief in a personal God; and life after death.  Sam Harris is right when he says: “What one believes happens after death dictates much of what one believes about life, and this is why faith-based religion, in presuming to fill the blanks in our knowledge of the hereafter, does such heavy lifting for those who fall under its power.  A single proposition – you will not die  –  once believed, determines a response to life that would be otherwise unthinkable.”

            Humanism cannot afford to remain ‘blank’ (or agnostic) on this issue; just as it is not agnostic about a personal God.  We must affirm that there is no scientific evidence for personal survival after death.  However, death does not have to be equated with non-existence; although Hume (reportedly in a conversation) held that there is no more difficulty in conceiving my non-existence after death, than in conceiving my non-existence before birth, and no reason to be distressed by either.  We can look upon our existence as being of two kinds: conscious, and consequential.  While my conscious existence ceases with death, my consequential existence does not. In many different ways and in many different spheres every individual’s life interminably affects the future.  This thought gives one responsibility and hope, and a sense of worth.

Filed Under: Atheism, Comment, Humanism Tagged With: afterlife, death

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